Week 2 for school is ending pretty much in one day and the comes the long weekend. School, so far so good. Nothing in mind to have a rant on how awesome (not) school has been. I am enjoying social psychology lecture very much. It’s very real, very deep and has very strong “impact” on daily life. Principles of Counseling is nice and I really like my tutorial tutor. She’s very Singaporean and she makes the tutorial like a never ending story tale, if you get what I mean. And the fact that I love Thursday and Friday a lot is because I GET TO SIT IN CLASS WITH GOH SHUXIAN, like yay! We can like stare, bitch and whatever we feel like doing in class. And omg, I think I am the slowest around that this semester is real shit. Fucking crammed and packed. Not only that. I just peaked at my organizer and my days are filled with school (including datelines for presentation and assignments) and work and band and concert up till Christmas. I think, I have such a sad social life. I think my social life now revolves totally around school, band and work. I mean, yeah, where else could it be right? What I mean was, never mind. I don’t even get what I am trying to say here.
Anyway, skip the next part if you guys want. I am having some rant desire.
I haven’t been exactly conversing well with myself and people. I don’t know how to converse, healthily. I had the fact that my mind is clouded with unnecessary thoughts and in a very mixed up condition. No. It’s more of like, I hate the fact that my mind is loaded with things that I am refusing to remember. It’s like as if all the past is haunting me now and I am telling you, this is not the right time. The worse part of it all, I feel so numb, I let the past flash in my mind. I don’t feel that pain or hurt or sad or what. I feel numb and I am pretty much annoyed by the fact of it. I mean, why think about the past when you feel nothing? And this is why I hate how the mind works. For once, I wish that mind will dutifully communicate with the heart and stop transmitting the wrong signals or whatever to each other. At the end of the day, it’s me who suffers, not that. Okay, I know I am not making sense. It’s like as in my mind, heart and me is not in one body, one spirit. I just hate the fact that me, the mind and the heart works separately. Oh why, why can’t we get along just fine?
I need a time to break down.
You know, a point where I can just break down and yeah. You get what I mean.
Sometimes, I don’t know whether it’s just me or them or maybe it has always been me. The people I met and be friends with eventually leave. Either that, or I walk away from them. Even so, I have no define reasons why this had happen. I am never good at relationship, of any kind. I guess, I just suck as a friend. And I really don’t know what to do when these friends of mine, will walk away and eventually leave. But I know for sure, I will do what I do best. Walk away and then just pretend things are actually fine. Or maybe, if I am brave enough, I will walk away first before they do. Isn’t that the case where feelings and things left unsaid is much more better than hearing the things you don’t wish to hear and feelings you want to avoid?
I need to face the world, with a happy bright smile.
Shit, I feel damn emo.